Today marks the twentieth anniversary of losing my first husband when my daughter was just twelve-and-a-half. When you lose a loved one there are many things you have to deal with immediately but once the hustle and bustle has calmed down, then you have to deal with getting through all of the firsts. Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, etc. How do we learn to cope with it year after year?

For some reason, I have found anniversaries in increments of five years to be some of the most difficult; they seem to evoke different sentiments in me. So many things in life seem to be marked in this manner, but the ones in between have thrown me for a loop as well, and one in particular sticks out. It was the third anniversary, I went for a very long walk that morning, and I literally cried the whole time. I remember feeling wretched, emotionally worn out and thinking that there was no way I could continue to go through this year after year. I thought, if I was feeling this way then what was my daughter going through?

I decided we needed to come up with another way to acknowledge the day. When I got home, we talked and I found out that she was feeling just as bad, so I floated the idea out that instead of marking it as the day we lost him we should begin to look at it as a day to celebrate his life. She thought that was a great idea and, although there were still tears, there was a lot of laughing and smiling as we went for lunch, talked about him, and then went to a funny movie that we knew he would have enjoyed. This has worked well for us for the most part, although some years have been harder than others have.

My daughter is now a grown woman and all through her high school and university years, we have managed to spend every anniversary but one together. One year she shared a story about unpacking something of her father’s in her new apartment that had both of us in tears and laughing at the same time. She was telling me how funny it seemed afterwards because there was her poor boyfriend, watching her cry, thinking he might know what it was all about, not really sure what it was about, and wondering what the heck he should do to comfort her! Smart man though, he did the right thing and just hugged her until she could regain her composure.

On one of the anniversary’s we were on a mission after lunch to find blinds for her bedroom. As we were talking about where we needed to go I mentioned what a coincidence it was that we were going to one particular store that day. She looked at me with a quizzical look on her face and said, “ok” but it quickly dawned on me that she did not know what I was referring to. I reminded her that we had all gone to the same store the Saturday before her father died to get paint for the fence. She informed me that she did not remember any of that shopping trip and it was then that I had one of those velvet hammers up the side of the head moments! For so many years, I had simply assumed she remembered or knew about many things that happened and at that moment, I realized she did not. It was time to rectify that!

Since that day, we have shared our story in my book WITH THE [STROKE] OF A PEN: Claim Your Life. She wrote chapter eight titled Daddy’s Little Girl and did a brilliant job of helping parents and children to support each other after a loss. Reading each other’s stories was cathartic for both of us for it was then that we really understood what we had each gone through and they were two very different journeys. Disclaimer, you should never read the book in public because you will be either be laughing aloud or crying.

So although it has not always been easy, here are some things I have learned along the journey of life dealing with grief, coming out of the dark to live and love again and to continue to celebrate the life of the one you have lost.

• Do not assume your children remember things. Keep telling them stories about your loved one.
• The smallest things can trigger a memory that can bring you to your knees, but have faith for you will get up again.
• There are a number of different definitions of grief out there so go with what works for you. I personally believe that everyone goes through grief in his or her own way, and on his or her own terms.
• Remember that others are there for you to lean on; you do not need to walk the road alone.
• Take the ‘super person’ cape off because no one but you expects you to wear it.
• Instead of marking an anniversary as a day of loss, think about honouring it as a way to celebrate your loved one’s life.
• Try to find a way to spend anniversaries together (if you cannot do it in person, try using Skype or ZOOM).

My daughter and I will be spending this anniversary together along with my second husband who has become an amazing step dad. The day may still cause some emotions that might or might not run amuck, but it will be a wonderful time to reflect and talk about her father. We will share stories, remember how much he loved us, how lucky we were to have him in our lives for as long as we did and how much he loved life and laughing. Today, for us, will be a true celebration of his life!

Time does have a way of healing us but the road we travel on to get there can take many twists and turns along the way, so if you are going through a difficult time please remember to be kind to yourself. If someone you love is ill we wish for you all the strength you will need to help your loved one and yourself get through what lies ahead. If you are in a place of loss, “may time heal the pain, but may it never dim the wonderful memories”.

Thank you for letting me share.